I believe the line from batman goes something like this: “its not who we are underneath, but our actions that define us”
My inner-game is strong when it needs to be, although sometimes I struggle with depressing thoughts and feelings, there are moments where I feel like the king of the jungle. I think from a base level I project this outwards and people pickup on it. I am strong, I am a beast of social intelligence and even… power. at times. But when you read into my actions you might be a little confused. Why didnt you approach that girl on the bus, that stranger standing there, waiting for the little green walking man to flash…??? It could be that procrastination and anxiety just keep taking over in that last final blinding moment. Everytime it looks like I might just transcend myself and step up and in to that blinding magical place… I picture it as a bright light. a place of pure whiteness. a tundra.
My life is revolving around two main points at the present. Japanese and asian girls. These are my two goals, and my two chief wants. Buddhism teaches that base wants are the source of all human pain and suffering. That point rings home pretty true for me. I am really beating myself up when I have a bad day on the sarge, or a bad day on the japanese. I feel sad, depressed, lonely. And in the end all this energy is going where? nowhere. I feel like I need to rise above this crap, remove the wants from my life and maybe… I donno…
its not who we are underneath…
I like who I am underneath. I like myself alot, which I think is important. But here is a question for you: If I am so awesome underneath, deep down, why dont I have an attractive, cool, smart, a little bit cocky and a little bit quiet, funny, fun loving asian girl in my life?
its our actions that define us…
I really am beating myself up with this question, the results arn’t heathy. I figure I can either do one of two things here: remove the WANT from my life and like a Buddhist monk become one with myself free from wants OR use overwhelming force to sarg, find that person, and subsequently find happiness.
The person who I am underneath wants the stuff of the surface to succeed. This is where I differ from every other guy in my situation. I have the goods. I just need to get out there and use them.
- until then, friend.
